Thursday, April 29, 2010

A Long DVD's Journey into Fight

I was at the DVD store last Tuesday picking up the week's new releases when I noticed a group of kids snickering. They were of the high school persuasion, with their hair straightened and at sharp, odd angles over their faces. The guys were in skinny black jeantights and the girls all had flat butts and varying degrees of fat stomachs.

"DVD's!" yelled one of the youngsters.

I turned and glared at the group as they snickered, proud of their catcall. Then I turned away and continued reading the technical specifications on the 10th Anniversary edition of Glitter.

"DVD's!" someone yelled again.

I turned and this time I wasn't going to let it slide. I went over to the tallest member of the group and asked him what his problem was. He said he hadn't said anything. Everyone giggled.

"Can I have an autograph?" asked an impossibly short girl with metal in her nostrils.

"Sure," I said, and picked up the tall boy by his gooey hair and threw him into a cardboard stand full of Vin Diesel key chains. Then a fist flew at me from the fattest boy. I quickly ducked and his punch landed on a nearby 15th Anniversary Gas Can Collector's Edition DVD of Reservoir Dogs. His fingers broke on impact and he fell to the floor.

"There's your autograph," I said.

The other boys ran the fuck away at the sight of all my awesome chaos. The girls stayed put, too impressed to move. I asked the too-fat ones to politely leave and took the skinnier ones home with me. I made them all watch Glengarry Glen Ross and then they took turns using their barely legal vaginaes on my penis. By the time they got home they hadn't done any homework at all. They'd have to do it on the bus the following morning.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


The one thing the ladies know me for is my muscles. The second thing is my DVDs. The third thing is that I am a great person. This is my story.

Behind my house is a giant forest full of forest nymphs. Nobody knows about it but me. I can walk around there and nobody knows I'm there, not even my mother, who is ash and dust.

In the forest I have my pick of nymphy womens. There are red-headed ones and blond ones and black-haired ones and brown-haired ones. It's like the movie Tinkerbell and the Lost Treasure except they're all 18+ and in love with sex.

My favorite nymph is the brown haired one. Her name is Woodwisp. I take her back to my basement and watch DVDs with her. Her favorite movies are all of my favorite movies. After that we have unprotected sex and then eat bread and bananas in bed. A perfect future wife.

When the sun goes down she must go back to her forest father, Darxiuyx. If she's out much later than that, she receives magic whippings from him that leave rainbow marks on her back and buttocks. They are pretty to look at, but they sting her worse than 1,000 suns.

One of these days I will slay Darxiuyx just for fun. This will be after I have already won his daughter's hand in marriage. Then I will steal his magic whip and whip random things in my house, striping them with rainbow.

The End.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Movies of the Future

DVD's can only hold a certain amount of information, whereas on the human brain, an unlimited amount of information can be held. Scientists of today are correctly worrying less about WHY this is and more about WHAT can we do for movies.

James Camerons is a maverick film scientist who develops new ways for us to enjoy a movie. He invents every movie he creates, through the power of science. Camerons invented AVATAR after he invented a camera that could record a human being's emotion and then turn that emotion into a 3D computer hologram image. Every scene of AVATAR is a computer hologram of someone's actual emotionality.

People are blue and naked because that is the computer generated expression of our emotions that lie within us all. Cameronses' science camera doesn't lie.

In the wave of the future, all people in movies will be blue and naked. It's the only way for us to reach true emotion again. The way of the pink-skinned clothed-person is over.

This is the movies of the future.

Monday, February 22, 2010


It's puzzle time!

Complete the following DVD Jumble to prove yourself as a DVD Master:

1) VDD
5) xxX

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

DVD Jokes

It's Thursday so lets let our sweatpants on and have a relaxing time on this blog. Here are some classic DVD jokes.

Q: Why did the DVD cross the road?
A: It was in the tray of a gigantic DVD player so large that the tray spanned across the road, and to press eject on the remote would send the DVD across the road, and into the body of the DVD player, which was on the other side.

Q: How many DVD's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One giant one, with a circle in the center so large that you can fit it around the bulb and twist.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like DVD's?
A: They are less than 15 years old.

A Blu-Ray walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender says "Hey, why the long load time?"

Monday, February 8, 2010

Keeping Your DVDs Clean

Dear Cody,
My DVDs look like a scratch festival, and now the scenes in my movies are illegible. What can I do to prevent this and is there any way to get rid of scratches that are already in existance?

Joey B.
Brooklyn, NYC,

Thank you Joeyb. This is a good question and an even better letter. The best way to prevent DVD scratches is to maintain proper hand care. Much like a classical guitarist's tone comes from his daily hand care, a DVD film print will only be as clean as the hand that places it in the tray. Here's a good daily regimen:

1) Soak hands in warm water for 30 seconds.
2) Soak hands in cold water for 30 seconds. (The cold will freeze in the heat)
3) Have fingernails professionally pedicured by a licensed pedicurist. I suggest Korean places, as Koreans have better taste in film. Let them know you are doing this for DVD handling and they will most likely offer a 'Film Buff' discount. You may have to ask this question in Korean.
4) Rub hands with extra-virgin olive oil.
5) Refrain from manual stimulation of genitals entirely. Penises and vaginae can be abrasive to your sensitive hand meat.

Now your movies will be as gorgeous as the day you bought them! Here's a good scratch removal method:

1) Buy new DVD.
2) Treat DVD with better care.
3) Lurk more, n00b (newbie)!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

DVD Media vs Computers

Since the inception of DVD media, and until this year, all movies were shot on DVD. Now movies are starting to be shot entirely on computers. This should concern us all, but it is a topic not given proper attention by the news. Today I will get into the pros and cons of this development:


- Computers are a safe and fun environment for even children. Children as young as 12 can tell the difference between a 'MAC' and a 'PC'. These future filmmakers growing up on the computer format will make wonderful movies due to their familiarity with the medium.

- Computers can handle a number of tasks. A filmmaker utilizing a computer can make a film while he is doing other things, such as updating his various statuses on his friendbooks or live vlogging to his studio execs and producers.

- Computers are a waystation to the internet and the internet is the waystation to television. A filmmaker can upload his latest work of genius to G4TV instantly over his modem. His masterpiece can be downloaded instantly to the televisions of countless consumers.


- DVDs are a warmer medium. Yes they scratch if you scratch them whereas computers have a protective shell, but scratches add warmth. I want to see jumps and skips and blips in a movie when I'm watching it. Maybe I am just an old fashioned man but computerized blips do not have the same panache.

- Computers are subject to viruses. Nothing would be worse than watching a movie full of viruses. When watching a horror movie you would not be able to tell what demons on screen were intended, and what are there as a result of the auteur downloading screen caps of Tara Reid's vaginae on his brunch break. It is impossible to focus on a film when you can see monsters crawling over the screen chewing up megabytes.

- Computers are harder to backup. Whereas a DVD can be copied easily, a computer can only be copied by buying a second computer and connecting them by a cable or something. Computers are expensive and this is a hassle, whereas DVDs can be bought at gas stations. This is why so many gas station attendants are also budding filmmakers. But this computer revolution is beginning to put them out of work. Gas stations can't afford to sell computers and so today's future gas station workers will most likely be homeless people rather than your next Rob Cohen or McG.


As you can see this is a complicated issue unlikely to resolve anytime soon. I prefer DVDs but I am also an idealist. And "Idealism is the first casualty in a climate." - Oscar Weil