Monday, February 8, 2010

Keeping Your DVDs Clean

Dear Cody,
My DVDs look like a scratch festival, and now the scenes in my movies are illegible. What can I do to prevent this and is there any way to get rid of scratches that are already in existance?

Sincerely,
Joey B.
Brooklyn, NYC,


Thank you Joeyb. This is a good question and an even better letter. The best way to prevent DVD scratches is to maintain proper hand care. Much like a classical guitarist's tone comes from his daily hand care, a DVD film print will only be as clean as the hand that places it in the tray. Here's a good daily regimen:

1) Soak hands in warm water for 30 seconds.
2) Soak hands in cold water for 30 seconds. (The cold will freeze in the heat)
3) Have fingernails professionally pedicured by a licensed pedicurist. I suggest Korean places, as Koreans have better taste in film. Let them know you are doing this for DVD handling and they will most likely offer a 'Film Buff' discount. You may have to ask this question in Korean.
4) Rub hands with extra-virgin olive oil.
5) Refrain from manual stimulation of genitals entirely. Penises and vaginae can be abrasive to your sensitive hand meat.

Now your movies will be as gorgeous as the day you bought them! Here's a good scratch removal method:

1) Buy new DVD.
2) Treat DVD with better care.
3) Lurk more, n00b (newbie)!

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