A Long DVD's Journey into Fight

I was at the DVD store last Tuesday picking up the week's new releases when I noticed a group of kids snickering. They were of the high school persuasion, with their hair straightened and at sharp, odd angles over their faces. The guys were in skinny black jeantights and the girls all had flat butts and varying degrees of fat stomachs.

"DVD's!" yelled one of the youngsters.

I turned and glared at the group as they snickered, proud of their catcall. Then I turned away and continued reading the technical specifications on the 10th Anniversary edition of Glitter.

"DVD's!" someone yelled again.

I turned and this time I wasn't going to let it slide. I went over to the tallest member of the group and asked him what his problem was. He said he hadn't said anything. Everyone giggled.

"Can I have an autograph?" asked an impossibly short girl with metal in her nostrils.

"Sure," I said, and picked up the tall boy by his gooey hair and threw him into a cardboard stand full of Vin Diesel key chains. Then a fist flew at me from the fattest boy. I quickly ducked and his punch landed on a nearby 15th Anniversary Gas Can Collector's Edition DVD of Reservoir Dogs. His fingers broke on impact and he fell to the floor.

"There's your autograph," I said.

The other boys ran the fuck away at the sight of all my awesome chaos. The girls stayed put, too impressed to move. I asked the too-fat ones to politely leave and took the skinnier ones home with me. I made them all watch Glengarry Glen Ross and then they took turns using their barely legal vaginaes on my penis. By the time they got home they hadn't done any homework at all. They'd have to do it on the bus the following morning.

Nymphs

The one thing the ladies know me for is my muscles. The second thing is my DVDs. The third thing is that I am a great person. This is my story.

Behind my house is a giant forest full of forest nymphs. Nobody knows about it but me. I can walk around there and nobody knows I'm there, not even my mother, who is ash and dust.

In the forest I have my pick of nymphy womens. There are red-headed ones and blond ones and black-haired ones and brown-haired ones. It's like the movie Tinkerbell and the Lost Treasure except they're all 18+ and in love with sex.

My favorite nymph is the brown haired one. Her name is Woodwisp. I take her back to my basement and watch DVDs with her. Her favorite movies are all of my favorite movies. After that we have unprotected sex and then eat bread and bananas in bed. A perfect future wife.

When the sun goes down she must go back to her forest father, Darxiuyx. If she's out much later than that, she receives magic whippings from him that leave rainbow marks on her back and buttocks. They are pretty to look at, but they sting her worse than 1,000 suns.

One of these days I will slay Darxiuyx just for fun. This will be after I have already won his daughter's hand in marriage. Then I will steal his magic whip and whip random things in my house, striping them with rainbow.

The End.